Rant & Rave

Today im jus going to write about alot of things that  have been bothering me! Today I lost not one but two friends over stupid reasons! The last two friends i had, most of my friends ran when i got pregnant. Ive cried non stop for the past 3 days over nothing. I know i need mental help & i need a theripst. But i dont have the courage to go somewhere & admit i have a problem. I have changed alot in the past couple months for the best. I stopped drinkin & worryin about partyin. I realized my son needs me more than ever right now & im no longer a teenager that gets to do what she wants im a mother. I just think that was my way with coping with things! Like i forgot about everything else in this messed up world & was just happy for a few hours. It took alot to admit i drank to drowned out my sorrows. & it takes alot for me to be women enough to know i havent been the mom i should be & know i can be these past couple months. & i regret every sec of that if i could rewind id change sooo much! I wouldve never started drinking i wouldve been there for my child when he needed me the most! I honestly woulda chose my ex boyfriend over my friends i know that sounds horrible but i wouldnt have lost a good thing that i can never get back if it wasnt for them pushing me to leave him! & now look there no where to be found & i absoulutly have no one at all! Thats prolly why im talkin threw a computer screen. What really bothers me about that sitiuation is they dont wanna be my friend because im a struggling teen mom. But it makes them better than me because they work at a fast food resturant & have a car? No it doesnt i was there when you had nothing & loved you threw it & now that you have something & i have nothing i dont mean anything anymore? That really hurts to know friends that i have been friends drop me like a piece of trash because im struggling to support me & my child! I thought friends were supposed to be there threw the struggles & help you every step of the way? I guess everything happens for a reason! I do wanna better myself & get a education for me & my son & a better life but its a hard & slow process when you have a two year old. Which no one ever told me it was going to be easy. But my  mother did tell me your stronger than you think & you can do this! You know why because your my daughter & nothing has ever stopped me! It really bothers me that i didnt graduate from high school & i let a man talk me out of that . It upsets me i dont have ajob to take care of my son! Every mother wants to be the one to buy there baby what they want or need & i cant do that. I dont even have a car to do anything with my child or get a job! I started college last year sometime & was almost graduated & i let someone else mess that up for me! I need to realize im my own person & Im the one that makes these decisons for myself what other people say should not bother me! Another thing im having issues with is my weight & looks. & no matter how much someone tells me im beautiful or im not fat. You guys dont understand i can be 100lbs & a beautful face & im still not going to listen to you because yet again i let someone pound it in my head that im not and never will be! Ive always had weight issues. In 8th grade i was belimuc i  would literally make myself throw up after i gorged myself or jus let it touch my lips so i could taste it! Because once again what people said to me! I honestly think im so mentally and emotionally damaged that i will never be ok! & im jus going to have to accept that fact. Ive come to conclusions on what i want in life! & that is to get a job(have a job interview tomorrow) , Start at miami university for family studies to help children & beaten woman, & last but not least to own a car. & to eventually have atleast a apartment & pay for it with my own money & do everything on my own i dont know how long this will take or how im gonna do it but i am even if it kills me! These may not be big dreams to you but there huge to me! Sorry for ranting whoever reads this but i had to get this off my chest before i explode!